The Advanced Spiritual Practice of Diving For Light

I came across a term along my journey - thanks to Alana Fairchild’s Sacred Rebels Oracle - which seems to articulate perfectly the experience of long periods of darkness that peppered the vast majority of my healing journey in its early stages. The term “diving for light” is a concept in which an evolved soul will purposefully allow themselves to plunge into deeper and deeper experiences of darkness so that their soul may once again find their way back to the light of divine love. It is this process of ‘diving for light’ in which the soul is able to experience polarity, experience the suffering and darkness that is intricately wrapped up in being human and through the attachments of ego, and guide itself back to once again choose the truth of oneness and higher expressions of light and unconditional love. The acceptance that even those periods of darkness - those feelings of pain, the ugly and uncomfortable aspects of being in this 3D reality - are simply God expressing itself and experiencing polarity, and therefore, are perfect. That even in the darkest of darkness, love and light can always be found if you allow yourself to. In fact, the only way to get through these periods is to surrender and lean into your connection with the divine. For many of us there is a necessity for these experiences as these periods strengthen your connection, your trust, your faith - but can be incredibly difficult to navigate and accept early on in your journey. You may feel frustrated in the belief that to allow yourself to feel all of this darkness and simply be in it is not an act of love or light. That perhaps if you were stronger, you were more evolved, you would be able to “snap yourself out” or “raise your vibration” to a point where the darkness no longer exists - but this, ironically only creates a resistance to the darkness which breeds more karma to balance. In resisting or avoiding the darkness, in every moment you ask when it will be over, when your corner will come, in feeling angry at yourself for not being able to transcend your current experience, you are resisting what is. You are not allowing the experience of receiving the grace, love and miraculous healing that wishes to unfold for you. 

I feel much of my kundalini awakening was symbolic of this process - indeed there were times where my experiences were so painful, so triggering, so uncomfortable (physically, emotionally and spiritually) that there was nothing left for me to do but to surrender to the healing, grace and love of the divine. In these moments where I would be hunched over in fetal position in my bed after weeks of feeling waves of kundalini pulsating through my entire body, thoughts of insanity plaguing my mind, physically writhing and spasming - perhaps quite literally feeling like I was dying or my heart was physically being cracked open - I actually couldn’t bring myself to do anything except accept that whatever was happening to me was actually for me. Of course, I couldn’t bring myself to work, so I would have to trust that I was being supported and that this was being guided - and when I did somehow manage to force myself to work, I was blocked anyway. I couldn’t do much at all in those periods and it was incredibly frustrating for someone who always had to be in control. That I couldn’t force or meditate my way out of it by willing it away or trying to control the healing process. That I literally had no choice but to surrender to what was and trust that it was actually God’s grace and healing that was unfolding - despite it not feeling graceful or loving at all. That in those moments, I was exactly where I needed to be and it was all perfect. 

This was the cycle that would go on quite frequently - I would enter these periods suddenly, but with not much resistance, knowing that the kundalini was clearing out whatever it needed to. I’d be compassionate with myself - allow myself to feel the emotions, lie around at the spa all day long, eat whatever food I pleased, take time off work. However, the longer they drew on and I was finding it hard to ‘snap myself out of them’ - that the ‘corner’ or ‘uplevel’ I was so used to experiencing didn’t seem to want to happen - the more hopeless I would begin to become. The pain, the darkness, the incapacitation would become so unbearable that I would, around this time, begin to wonder ‘where is God?’, bringing about even more hopelessness, darkness and pain. I would pray (and pray and pray as I cried and prayed some more) for help to clear whatever the blockage was and to bring me back to love. I would ask my higher self, my guides, Kali, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Mary Magdalene, Santa Claus, (whoeverthehell is listening, I’ll take it!) to help guide me to the truth in what was coming up for me, so I could process and release it. I would begin to search for the answers, search for the reason behind the process that was taking place - the underlying trauma, past life or event - so I could understand and transmute it. I would start to feel isolated, like my prayers and cries for help were not being received and that I would give anything for this whole situation to just be over. I would wonder why the ‘divine love’ and ‘miraculous healing’ wasn’t taking place, why I wasn’t feeling the presence of love or support or grace - all the while continually resisting the process itself that was unfolding and unable to be present with what is (or was). Eventually, the physical and emotional symptoms would become so intense that I had no other choice than to accept them, and instead of resisting the feelings and sensations, begin to hold myself throughout the process. (Oh, the sheer number of nights I have spent on this journey, in tear-saturated sheets, hugging myself tightly, rocking myself back and forth, reparenting myself and promising myself that it’s all going to be okay, you are safe, you are safe, you are safe.)
And, as the cycle tended to go - the more I was able to hold myself and accept myself through what is, the more I was able to surrender into the discomfort - I became my own source of light and healing, divine love and grace. Which in turn, allowed an endless stream of grace, love and support from the divine to be received through the form of my own higher self, divine masculine, or whatever else was needed. 

God had been there all along, forcing me into the darkness so I learnt how to save myself by accepting that I was not separate, not alone, not apart from the loving creator - that a part of me was this divine love, light and healing - and that everything, always, is perfect.

It might be difficult for us to accept that all aspects of life - all of the polarities, the difficulties, the struggles, the heartbreak, the pain - are perfect and divinely guided. The unique gift of being ‘human’ - of choosing to reincarnate here, now, in this body, with these experiences - finally becomes clear when you begin to view everything through the lens of evolution and growth. When you begin to understand that everything is designed to guide you back to love and unity consciousness. Your only job is to accept what is, surrender to the divine, and understand that all nature’s cycles and periods are perfect. The dark, the light, the winter, the summer, falling in love, experiencing a broken heart - they are all equally important and loving, and they are all guiding you back to yourself in the end.